confession # …176?

i realize i havent made a confession in a while,( ive actually lost count!)

let alone get on tumblr more than once a week,  which is odd.

but i have a big confession for today, ive realized a lot in the past 3 or so months. but this is the main point:

I mentally prepare myself for every possible outcome in any situation. I mentally rip apart an event that is coming up. Lets say its  a date, i imagine it going badly, i imagine it going well. I imagine it going bad and prepare to get hurt cause it could happen. I think about what I’d say or do. I dont know if this is weird or not. I do it all the time. And Ive also realized why I do this and its because Im afraid of emotional surprises. So like 2 or three weeks ago when me and my boyfriend broke up, I was okay. I wasnt crying my eyes out, bawling the next day like some of my friends do. Cause throughout the whole relationship I was emotionally preparing myself for heartbreak. Warning myself not to get too attached. It not like I knew that we were going to break up, I wanted it to last, things were going well. I just dont want to get hurt and I have to think of what could happen, making a mental pros and cons list constantly. Is this bad?

Please tell me If Im not the only one who does this. Im not sure what to do.

Ugh i think too much